Now, let me tell you about mine second important, well, not exactly the day, I wasn’t that fast with that “why” thing, but let’s say a moment when you pass the point of no return and now you know who you are. I’d say you’re really lucky if you found out that “why” and surely you lucky if you find out that early enough, from that point one question is solved, now let’s move to another one – “how to get there”. It may happen that some people don’t even find out, I think it’s pretty easy to miss it and it’s really hard to hear when it whispers to you that it’s here and let it in when it knocks on your door. And as someone also said…that “why” always whispers, it never shouts…
So I was writing whole my life from the moment I remember myself, first poems, then stories then novels… I knew I’m creative, I knew I like writing, well… sort of… I knew I like to imagine things and to create stuff… I didn’t analyze it like I do it now, it just was there… But how you go from being a creative being to “why you’re here”
I thought maybe I’m a writer. But something happened that actually told me, well, not exactly…
During school vacations I was going to sort of camps, they were sort of creative camps and different stuff you did there was supposed to develop one or another feature of your character. In fact it was just more interesting than just a usual camp as well as people that were there. Anyway each week or two weeks of that camp during vacation had a program and a name for it. And that one was a summer one called “leadership”. Back then I was shy and humble person (and still kinda am), with people I don’t know for ages especially, being there I was more watching than talking or leading anything. I was thirteen I think.
As a part of a program we were given different tasks every day, and during this program there were a lot of stuff connected with making performances. There were two or three of them that we had to prepare. I tell you about one of them. Just want to mention that Russian schools don’t have drama or theater departments and I never dealt with anything like making plays before.
The task was to perform a play but there were certain regulations for it. Each one of us should have named a character they wanna be (or their favorite one) and then we should connect all of those characters in a story in one play. The character that first came to my head was Angelique from that famous french movie with Michele Mercier, oh yeah, sure! Nevermind I’ve never said that, in fact I don’t even remember what said, maybe I just waited for everyone to say theirs. But what I do remember an interesting thing that happened when we should have imagine that plot and the play we would play with those characters. Most of the people in my group (I think there were around 15), some of them talked a lot, some of were leaders, some of them analyzed really good, but they looked absolutely helpless to me when it came to imagining a simple story with those 15 characters written on the blackboard. Not even noticing that, I began to give out roles, imagining the story, telling people what to do, where to go and what to talk about, what to wear and how to behave. Where did that quiet shy person go? It was almost like some unknown force got into me. No one interfered or interrupted me, I was the one directing it and creating stuff around, they were my actors, it just happened I guess ’cause it was so easy for me to imagine and to direct (at least comparing to them.) I even changed my own character to make the play around it, there was an angel and I said that from now one I’m the devil. Which became the lead one of course. We played the stuff, I felt euphoria, I felt on top and it was great. But I didn’t think about it.
After that there were several plays more that I created again telling everyone what to do. Again what happened to that shy person, she was gone, I was doing my thing and no one could stand on the way of me doing my thing. Each time I played either role that no one would take like someone ugly or where you’ll have take off something and get partially naked or the lead ones.
When my mom came to the camp to find out how I was doing, she was told that I was very much alright, starring in the lead roles in all the plays. Little did they know that I was the one who gave myself those lead roles and also the one who directed all those plays, no one asked how it all came together, but I knew.
I think it would be obvious to the world what comes along with it, but I don’t remember it being obvious for me then right away. I think I returned home and some time passed and then I thought…damn I think I’m a director, no, no, not like that, I know I’m the director. It just suddenly became so incredibly obvious, like black and white, like night and day. Oh cool, I can write, that means I can also write for myself. And I tell you that 13 year old girl got lucky understanding it being that age. Everything that she’ll do from no on will be just getting there physically. I never took it as a dream, I always thought about it as a reality, even more, I thought I was born there it just in the physical world you gotta get your body to that point.